Those Wild Notions
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: ClaireMyrnin. SPOILERS. She's sure that she's in love with Shane, but when things start to change, is she quite so sure? /Clyrnin, set after Black Dawn.


**AN:** So, this is my first ClaireMyrnin, set after Black Dawn. Evidently, it contains some spoilers, and is my OTP, so therefore contains ClaireMyrnin.

I don't own anything, and I would appreciate it if you didn't favourite without reviewing, thanks!

[Also, I wrote this in literally just over an hour, and I was chatting for most of that time, so if it's absolutely appalling, I apologise]

* * *

She knows.

In her heart at least, she knows that Myrnin didn't leave Shane there, not really; after all, even _Shane_ admitted that it was for the best of them all, and Michael didn't have to drive away, did he? She knows that she only fought so hard because she wanted to have proof of his body, and he was almost dead when they found him, so Myrnin was sort of right.

(And she knows _why_ he tried to make her leave, so that she didn't have to see Shane…like _Miranda_, but she really doesn't want to think of that.)

She can even understand how he tied her to the chair and left her for the Draug, because isn't that what she would have expected from _him_, if he had been the focus of Magnus' attention? He would have done it, if it meant that she was saved, and so she can't _really_ comment on how he tied her up, because it made sense – even to her – and he had done everything he could to ensure that she didn't get hurt.

And now, she tries her damndest to forget anything he's ever done for her that's helped her, as she wants to _hate_ him, to despise him with every fibre of her being, because that's the only thing that can make her feel better. His incessant apologies, letters, phone calls and visits can be burnt or ignored, and she manages to do this for an entire three days, sending others to the door to turn him away, managing to persuade Frank to bar Myrnin from the house via the portal, and ensuring that her phone doesn't accept his calls…but it isn't enough.

It can't be enough.

Within another three or four days, she's missing him; she's missing working with him, telling him that he's crazy (but in a way that doesn't _make_ him crazy, no, she's very good at avoiding that, now) and even missing the disorganised layout of the lab, because where else can she learn things that nobody else would dream of? He's the one and only person in the world who has a full knowledge of alchemy, and even manages to make it work, though it defies the rules of space and time (though, to be fair, they've already been defied by his very existence). And then there's _Myrnin_, the man beyond the crazy science; he's bright and bubbly, yet withdrawn and fearful at the same time, because he knows that he could disappear at any point. He could be clawed into the realms of insanity and destroy his entire life within seconds – he knows this, and Claire knows this, so it makes it even _harder_ to stay away when she knows that he could need her.

They've evolved beyond the customary boss-employee relationship, the one that she knows Eve would _never_ change with Oliver (besides to maybe turn him into a human) – and it scares her. She's worked with him for over eighteen months now, and they've been friends for most of that, though their friendship has never been normal, never been the standard one that most people have; she's always known his deepest secrets, always known how to hurt him, and she thought that the two combined made her the most protected person around.

Now, she knows that that's bull crap, because knowledge about Myrnin doesn't make her safe, it makes her more vulnerable, and she knows now that she could never kill him, not even if he tried to kill her, so she's pretty much screwed whatever happens.

And so the days pass, and Claire gets more and more stressed about forcing herself to stay away from Myrnin, because she _needs_ him; it's more than just a friendly need, she soon realises, and as his phone calls start to stop, and his incessant visiting begins to become less frequent, she discovers that she _wants_ him to try and fight for her more. He can't give up; he can't stop trying to be with her, because she _knows_ that his love for her is the only reason he's fought so hard.

(It's obvious to her now, as clear as a bell, because why else would he have done everything he had to protect her? Why would he break the spirit of the Glass House for _her_, if he didn't love her?

Honestly, he wouldn't.)

He's a selfish being, something she's come to realise more of late, and he doesn't do things without having a reason to.

And so, soon, Shane's kisses stop being _quite_ so satisfying, in correlation to the lack of contact from Myrnin, something Claire notices with a pang of despair; she doesn't _want_ this, she doesn't want to be cheating on her boyfriend in her thoughts, because that's not the sort of person she is. She's not Amelie, not someone who's been with Sam and now she's with Oliver as though her former paramour never existed; she can't do that.

(Especially because she's still _with_ Shane, and the only thing he can conclude to her bad mood is because she's got no school for another three months. If only he knew…)

She begins to shrink into herself, to stop leaving her room and to think about Myrnin and what he could teach her _all the time_. That's all she can consider thinking about, and nothing comes anywhere close to being important enough to override Myrnin being at the forefront of her mind; it's insane, completely and _utterly_ stupid (he tried to _kill_ her, she tries to remind herself) because she loves Shane, but does she really? Does she want to be with her first love for the rest of her life?

Does she?

"Claire, come out, _please_," Shane begs, but she refuses, wrapping herself tighter in one of the baggy jumpers that is so reminiscent of Myrnin, because it's the only article of clothing that he's ever complimented her on. Part of her wants to tell Shane everything, but the rest of her doesn't, so she sticks obstinately to her room, fearful that if she comes out, she'll spill the beans about her _thoughts_ that she loves Myrnin (it's not definite, remember?) and that's something she could never do to him. After all his accusations that she's denied, it'd be wrong for her to then turn around and tell him that she really _does_ love Myrnin, and that he's better for her than Shane is.

(Who would have thought that this is only a fortnight after she made her decision that she doesn't want to work for Myrnin anymore?)

Eve talks to her through the door, telling her that Myrnin's stopped coming and calling, if that's what's worrying her, but it doesn't help: it makes it worse. He's stopped fighting for her, and that's probably the worst thing of all, because if he doesn't love her enough to fight for her, why should _she_ dump Shane for _him_?

"I can't do this anymore," she finds herself whispering to Shane through her bedroom door, because she's scared that he'll see her face and guess why she's doing this. She's lost too much weight of late, having only been eating in the early hours of the morning when she sneaks down (even vampires sleep, she notices) and it makes all her bones stick out, but she doesn't really care, because the only thing she cares about is the fact that she's ending this. It's not fair on Shane for her to continue to be so conflicted about her love life – a statement that even confuses her, because she's not entirely sure how she's decided she loves Myrnin without even seeing him – and so it's time to end it. If she doesn't end up with Myrnin, she knows that she can always come back and see if she can beg for another chance from Shane, but that's probably unlikely.

She'll either love Myrnin, or he'll kill her for something or other. She's not stupid. Bi-polar vampires aren't probably the best people to fall in love with, but there's nothing she can do now, is there?

"Open the door." Shane's voice is hard and cold as he orders her to do this one small thing. "I want to see your face as you _break up with me!_ It's to do with Myrnin, isn't it? You love him. Or he has you _thinking_ that you love him, because you can't love a vampire, can you?" his voice begins to break by the end, and she finds herself opening the door, because hurting him wasn't ever part of the plan – _it wasn't!_

"I…I can't explain anything, not in a way that makes it ok," she confesses, and his face hardens back to how she imagines it was a few seconds ago. "I love you, Shane, but…but I don't want to do this anymore. I don't know what I want…I can't. I'm sorry."

"It _is_ that bastard, isn't it?" he gasps. "I didn't believe it. But it is…you love _Myrnin_. I'm…I'm going to Amelie, to get you to stop working for him, and then…and then you'll love me again. I know you love me, that he's manipulating you _somehow_, I—" she cuts him off, because he's making her cry, the way that he's trying to make her seem insane, and that he doesn't believe she can do this.

(In all honesty, she doesn't believe that she can do it herself, because it was always Shane and Claire against the world, so this isn't really right, is it?)

"Shane," she says his name softly, but doesn't touch him – she doesn't want him to get the wrong impression. "Amelie won't do anything; you know that, she's too besotted by Oliver and his ideas to consider doing anything for someone like _you_. She won't even talk to me. But there isn't anything she _can_ do. I…I don't want to hurt you, but I will if you don't accept that we can't be together anymore. I'm sorry, Shane, truly, because this isn't what I ever expected. I never expected anything like this.

"I dreamed of our future together, our baby, playing in the park and walking down the street together and the chance to be completely happy. I dreamed of marrying you, of saying that I wanted to be with you forever…but I realised earlier that…that isn't what I want anymore. I don't know _what_ I want. All I know, and please don't take this wrong, is that I don't think that my future lies with you. I'm sorry." Tears stream down her cheeks as she closes the door in his face and locks it as swiftly as possible, trying to hold herself together because this is _her_ decision. She did this. It wasn't Shane.

It's all her.

_~x~_

She doesn't leave her room for another few days, and nobody seems particularly bothered. All she can assume is that Eve and Michael know why she's dumped Shane, but they keep their distance, just bringing her food and leaving it outside her room, because they know that she wants to be alone.

It doesn't make sense to her, though. She wanted everything…so why did Myrnin have to come in and change her life? And if she loves him, why isn't she with him right now? If she loves him, she knows that she should be with him now, living the life she's now chosen, but she's not…and that doesn't make sense. All she's doing is grieving for her old life, the carefree, simple thing that she's lived for the last eighteen or so months.

And it's in this moment that she _truly_ hates Myrnin. She hates him for changing her life, for making her unsure what to do, and for fighting for her…but then for giving up; he's not here, and if he was, she's sure that she would be rushing down to him to tell him that she knows why he wants what he wants…and that she wants the same thing.

(In her mind, she knows that she could go to the lab, but that's far too scary a thing, isn't it?)

It takes Amelie to fix things.

"Open the door, Claire." these four words send Claire into a state of panic – not the words, but rather the voice, because why is _Amelie_ here? Her room is a mess, but there's no time to sort that as she runs across to the door and opens it, knowing that her guest would merely smash it down if made to wait for too long.

"I…um…hi?" she barely manages to say, pulling down on the sleeves of her jumper for some reason that she's not quite sure about.

"I must say that your housekeeping standards have gone _quite_ down," Amelie comments, her eyes showing every iota of disgust she feels as she looks around the room. "Yet the state of your room is not the focus of my visit. That would be in the fact that, because you missed the town meeting, you know not about the requirement of everyone to work in this town. Things are changing, and you must change with it…or you may find yourself not _quite_ so important." The teeth Amelie flashes don't fill Claire with confidence, and it makes her shiver, because she knows that she's as expendable as the next human nowadays.

"And what do you want me to do?" she asks, her voice flat, because she doesn't really _care_. All Amelie has done is show that she doesn't value any human, be them an assistant in the past, or even a past Protectee, because Oliver has changed her back to how she used to be, ruthless and uncaring, and no human is worth the effort.

"Do what you want, Claire," Amelie replies, and it's not what Claire expected. "I know that that is what you will do anyway, so why should I _try_ and point you in the right direction? Even college students must now work, as we rebuild Morganville, though I am sure that you are aware of somewhere you can work."

And then Claire realises that there's a threat in the Amelie's tone; it's carefully hidden, almost sounding as though Claire has a free pass to do whatever, but that's impossible…so Claire's got to go to the lab.

"Um…is there a chance that you could maybe give me a lift?" Claire asks hesitantly, her eyes catching the darkening sky outside her window, and knowing that it's far too dangerous to be walking outside, now that Morganville is changing.

Amelie's eyebrows raise slightly, but she doesn't comment, merely nodding in agreement, before then saying, "five minutes. And if you're not acceptably dressed, do not even _consider_ entering the limousine."

The door shuts and Claire doesn't waste time in getting herself changed, pulling on jeans and a t-shirt, running a brush through her hair and gathering one or two things that she wants, just incase Myrnin tries to kill her (you never know) before dashing down to the limo. It's a miracle, but she doesn't see any of her fellow housemates, and she gets the feeling that Amelie's arranged something to get them out the house – she's not sure _why_ she thinks this, especially since the spirit of the house is gone, but she does anyway – and Claire finds herself thanking Amelie silently.

(Never mention that you can tell that Amelie has done things, especially to Amelie: that's rule number one about being close to the Founder.)

_~x~_

As Claire breathes in the air outside the lab, she realises just _how_ much she's missed it. It's probably been the thing she's missed the most, bar Myrnin himself, because there's something about the shack and its personality that she can't replicate in a university laboratory. It's unique to this place and to Myrnin…and maybe that's why she loves them so much.

(She doesn't know, and the constriction of her throat as she tries to breathe just makes her sure that she's making a mistake.)

But she finds herself walking down the stairs and into the lab, her eyes fixated on the glowing light at the far end of the room, and so she doesn't even notice as she almost falls over a broken bottle on the floor.

Not until she _does_ fall over one of the many broken objects does she stop and speak. "_Fuck_!"

At that moment, she hears something – just the clinking of a bottle, she thinks – and looks up to find Myrnin standing before her, a speechless expression on his face. There's confusion, fear and possibly even desire on it, but that could just be her brain making her think that, so she won't go there.

"Hi," she says awkwardly. "I…I wanted to talk to you." She stands up and he doesn't move, and something about that makes her get angry again.

So she throws something at him.

He doesn't move _still_, doesn't react as she throws bottle after bottle in his direction, an incandescent spark growing in her because she's _that_ mad. "Why don't you _do_ something?" she yells at him, knowing she's irrational in her anger, because _why_ has she only just gotten angry? "I don't know why you stopped _fighting _for me! If you hadn't, then I could have been spared so much _pain_, so much fucking anger and self-hatred. You gave up, and I don't know why I'm here, because I…I…you _left_ me. Why did you do that?" by the end, her voice is soft and broken, tears streaming down her face, and she stops reaching for bottles.

Instead, she reaches out for _him_, and starts to pummel his chest with as much strength as she's got. His chest is hard and barely moves as she hits him, but soon, she finds her hands gripped by his, though she doesn't remember him moving.

His eyes lock into hers, and she can see the anger and the pain in there, but that makes no sense, right? "I stopped coming because I thought you hated me that much, that I would never be wanted by you," he tells her honestly. "Before, you wanted Shane more than…more than your own life, and it wasn't fair for me to fight to get you to end that. I didn't want to hurt you more than I already was, more than I already _had_, so I stopped."

"Don't you _see_?" she cries, tears blocking her sight of him. "You hurt me more because you left, not because you were there in the first place! I tried _so_ hard to hate you, to hurt you in some way or another, but I couldn't! I only hurt myself, and that made it worse. So I didn't come…not until now."

And somehow, she doesn't _quite_ know how, his hands release hers, and they simultaneously move towards the other, until their lips collide. It isn't neat or gentle, as she first kissed Shane, but two people who _desperately_ need the other, two people who know what they want and that this is the thing that is best for them, and the passion is greater than she ever thought possible. Her hands twist into his curly, brown hair, his arms wrap around her waist, and everything but Myrnin leaves her mind; it's as though they're the only two people who exist.

(Even though he's a vampire and she's a human, she can still pretend, right?)

"I think I love you," she whispers as their lips part, and it isn't something she's just saying because that was the greatest kiss of her life. She knows basically all of his secrets, understands him inside out, and she's sure that he knows her better than she knows herself; it's not a conventional match, not at all, but with his vulnerability and her inane desire to protect him (and maybe, sometimes, even the other way around) she realises suddenly that _this_ is where she was always meant to end up.

It has always meant to end Myrnin and Claire.

And now…now it has.

* * *

**AN2:** Again, I'd appreciate it if you didn't favourite without reviewing.

As an incentive for you to review, if you do so, feel free to PM me/tell me on the fic, a oneshot/drabble idea you have, for any pairing, and I'll write it for you, sometime.

-Vicky xx


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